Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says don't start anything!
There’s no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when your hand or head is stuck in something.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
I think animal testing is all wrong. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
A sandwich walked into a bar. The barman says sorry we don't serve food here.
So this bloke says to me, ‘Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?’ I thought, “‘That’s all I need – a Je-hoover’s witness.
I saw this fella chatting up a cheetah. I thought. He's trying to pull a fast one.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I thought, ‘That’s a turtle disaster.
I was doing some decorating. So I got out my stepladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
Why is it when someone tells you there's a billion stars in the sky. you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.
So I went down the local supermarket. I said, ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said, ‘Those are pickled onions.
My dad used to say. Always fight fire with fire. Which is why he probably got thrown out of the fire brigade.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says, ‘Your eyes sparkle like diamonds.’ I said, ‘Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck.
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. Phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she popped her clogs.
Mate of mine has just been sacked off the dodgems. But he’s doing them for funfair dismissal.
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
A woman's says to her husband you never take me anywhere expensive anymore. He says get your coat on. She says where we going? He says the f*cking petrol station.
I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from.
I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.
I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.
Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go can you?
I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.'
I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.
Conjunctivitis. com – that’s a site for sore eyes.
Black Beauty – now there’s a dark horse.
I was reading a book – ‘The History of Glue’ – I couldn’t put it down.
Velcro? What a ripoff!
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Fred?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.”
Last edited by BIG CHIEF FRED; 04-07-2018 at 09:57 AM.
Irish themed jokes.
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want
don't you ?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!
Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you
get a dodgy one!
Paddy goes to his doctor complaining about being constipated ,so the doc says “try these and come back next week”when Paddy arrives at the doctors the doctor asks him if the treatment worked Paddy replies “Those things I might have shoved them up my arse for all the good they done..
Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce? the solicitor questioned his client. Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge? Oh, no, replied Mrs. O'Connor.
Sure now, we only have a carport. The solicitor tried again. Well, does the man beat you up? No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. I'm always first out of bed.
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices? Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial.
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have. "Bless you, sir. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds.
Mrs. O'Connor, the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?
Ah, well now, said the lady, Sure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation.
A fellow decided to decorate his bedroom. He wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need but he knew that the Irishman who lived next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Paddy," he asked, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten" said Paddy.
So the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job. It looked wonderful, but he had 2 rolls of wallpaper left over.
"Paddy," he said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!"
"Dat's funny," said Paddy. "So did I."
PADDY DIED IN A FIRE
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"
Last edited by BIG CHIEF FRED; 04-12-2018 at 10:32 AM.
Murphy and the deer.
Murphy was doing some brickwork on the fireplace in Mr. Cabot's expensive home. He was much impressed by the moosehead over the fireplace. "'Tis a beautiful animal, Mr. Cabot, bigger even than the great Irish Deer, Oi'm thinkin'." "Yes," said Mr. Cabot, "that moose was a fighter among moose. I tracked him for over two days and when I finally shot him it took six men to load him in the jeep." Shaking his reddish curls in admiration, Murphy said, "Truly, 'tis a great hunter you are, Sir, and a great animal that is. Do you mind if Oi go into the next room and see the rest of him?"
Murphy's Belfast confessional.
Murphy sat in a Belfast confessional. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," he said. "I've blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!" "All right, my son," admonished the priest. "For penance, do the stations!"
Did you hear about the Irishman who was stranded for an hour when the escalator broke down?
Murphy and Mechanic.
Murphy took his car to the mechanic, who told him he needed a new muffler. He went straight home and asked his wife to knit him one.
Seen Mulligan lately?
Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately,Pat?" Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't." His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?" Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us."
Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Sean fishing in rain.
Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge for shelter. His pal McGinty saw him and called, "Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a few spots o' rain, now?" Sean replied, "I'm not...the fish come here fer shelter.
Jar of olives.
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.
Irishman, Frenchman, Italian man,
Eager to fight for their new country three immigrants an Italian, a Frenchman and an Irishman joined the American Army. The quartermaster asked them how much underwear they needed to be issued before shipping overseas. "Four," said the Italian. "Why four?" asked the Quartermaster. "Why, one for each week of the month," the Italian replied. The Frenchman was asked how many. "Seven," he replied. "One for each day of the week." The Quartemaster looked at the Irishman, who replied "Twelve." Three pairs of eyebrows went up. The Irishman explained, "One for January, one for February...."
Katherine had taken a Manhattan taxi home from work, since both of the ladies she usually carpooled with had taken sick. In the confusion of the short-handed office staff, and hurrying downstairs to meet the cab, she had left her purse behind. As the cab pulled up to her apartment building, she was looking about the seat for her purse when the driver told her the price of her ride. In great embarrassment, she said, "Ach. I'm not believin' I did this, Sir, but me purse isn't here. I must have left behind. I'm sorry, but I'm not havin' the money to pay you just now." The driver was...well, he was a Manhattan taxi driver. He said, "That's all right Missy, I'll just pull down into that dark street ahead, and get back there with you, and I'll just take your panties off." Maureen chuckled, and said "Shure, an' it's the poor end of the trade that you'll be gettin'. These panties only cost eighty-nine cents."
Golfer and the leprechaun.
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the ame little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?" "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note" he replied. The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?" The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.
O'Toole and lumber yard.
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. "Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest. "I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
Irish golfers deal.
Irishman trying to learn golf and having a terrible time of it. "I'd give just about anything to get this right!" he says aloud. Straight on the Devil appears and says "Anything?" "Well, short of selling my soul, yes." "How about giving up sex for the rest of your life?" "Done and done!" He finishes the game in rare good form and rumor of his deal spreads thru the clubhouse. One of the members, a reporter, see a story here and asks him, "Sir, is it true you made a deal with the Devil to become a great golfer?" "True, enough." "And you gave up sex as your part of the bargain?" "True again!" "And may I have your name, sir?" "Certainly. Father Mike O'Ryan."
Tim O'Rourke was walking his Irish Setter in the country side. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake. The dog went down to the water's edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back. Well, Tim was astounded. He couldn't believe what he had seen and threw stick in the lake again, and the dog once again walked across the water to bring the stick back. As he went into town, he promised that he would show his dog's wonderful new trick to the first person he came across. Once in town the first person the dog owner came across was the town drunk Declan Dunphy. Tim dragged Declan to the lake to show him what his dog could do. Once again, the dog owner threw the stick into the small lake and the dog went to the water's edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back to it's owner. Once the drunk saw that, he turned to the dog owner and said;"Why that's great, mister! But when are you going to teach your dog how to swim?"
Last edited by BIG CHIEF FRED; 04-15-2018 at 02:33 PM.
Once upon a time in the kingdom of heaven.
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "where were you?". God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "look son, look what I'm after making". Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "what is it?" God replied, "it's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and south America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south. And then the archangel said, "and what's that green dot there?". And God said "ahhh that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful Mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line. These people here are going to be great craic and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe. Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance.. God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the neighbours I'm going to give them"
Two English ladies.
Two English ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street corner near an Irish lady. "We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year," said one. "Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there! It would be awful." "Dear me!" said the first lady. "Well where are you going?" "Salisbury," she replied. "But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish!" the first objected. At this point the Irish lady could no longer hold her tongue. "Why don't ye go t' hell," she suggested. "There be no Irish there!
Pat kayran camping.
Pat and Kyran were getting ready to go on a camping trip. The first one said "I'm taking along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?" The other one said "Two rattlesnakes!"
Paddy and Murphy were walking down a road one day, Paddy said, Murphy, can you see that beautiful wood over there Murphy, I can't see, theirs trees in the way!
Two farmers were driving their tractor down the middle of a country road. A car comes around the corner backs hard to avoid them , skids, tumbles twice and land in a field. Jimmy say to Eamonn it's just as well we got out of that field.
Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EI109 from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the Instrument landing systems. In a Fit of Panic, Paddy the Pilot turns to his co-Pilot and says. "Jazus Mick...Well have to turn back...none of the equipment is working!." Mick says to Paddy; "No Problem...Sure I can tell where we are by sticking my hand out the Window! "OK!" says Paddy, "Where are we then?" Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; "Well Paddy, I reckon were over the Bay of Biscay. The humidity seems to be gone out of the air. This is caused by the seawater. Just Head North" "Brilliant!" replies Paddy, and precedes north bound. Fifteen Minutes later Paddy asks: " Where are we now Mick?" Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; " Were over the English Channel now. The air is much cooler here. Just head in a north westerly direction." Thirty minutes Later Paddy asks: " Where are we now Mick?" Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; "Were over the Ballymun flats. Quick...Bank left here and you should be on Course for Runway One. Paddy, Responds and 5 minutes later the plane lands safely on Runway One. Paddy turns to Mick and says: "That was Brilliant...But...Tell Me . How did you know we were over the Ballymun Flats". "Well!" said Mick...When I pulled my hand back in.. My Watch was Gone!"
One afternoon, Pat met Mick, whom he hadn't seen for quiet some time. After chatting for a while, Pat asked Mick what he was doing with himself at the moment. Mick told Pat that he was Studying at University College in Dublin. "Jazuz." said Pat..."And what are you Studying?." "Logic" replied Mick. "What's Logic?" said Pat. "Well!" said Mick...."Do You Have a GoldFish?" Pat: "I do!" Mick: "So ..you probably have the Fish for your Kids!" Pat: "That's Right!" Mick: "So.. Having Kids means your probably married...!" Pat: "That's Right!" Mick: "So Being Married means you're not a Homosexual!" Pat: "That's Right!" Mick Explains that it was Logic that allowed him to figure all that out. The Boys say Goodbye and head off in different directions. An hour later, Pat meets his mate Shamey!. After a while Shamey asked Pat had he seen Mick around. Pat explains that he met Mick only an hour ago.Shamey said: "And what's old Mick doing with Himself?". Pat replies "He's studying at the University". Shamey: "And What's He Studying?". Pat: "Logic!" Shamey: "And What's Logic?" Pat: "Let me Explain....Do you have a GoldFish?" Shamey: "I Do!" Pat: "So you're not a Homosexual then!!!!"
Higgins boat home.
Higgins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Higgins, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat. "How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud Higgins to a deck hand. "It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"
Last edited by BIG CHIEF FRED; 04-15-2018 at 03:14 PM.
The golden pub.
Old man Fogarty arrives home several hours past closing time, and he is still feeling the effects of a long night of imbibing, he is. As he stumbles through his front door who does he meet, but none other than Missus Fogarty, herself. And Missus Fogarty is none too pleased with the condition of Mister Fogarty, don‘t you know.
"Aw, well look at this, now!” says the missus. “Mister Fogarty Himself has finally decided to grace us with his presence, he has.”
“Well, I…” begins Fogarty. But Missus Fogarty quickly interrupts.
“Michael Fogarty! Don’t you give me any of your lame excuses! At what Irish pub have you been wasting away all of my hard earned wages this time?” demands Missus Fogarty.
"At this beautiful new establishment, my love," replies Fogarty. "It is called The Golden Pub. Everything there is golden, everything, I tell you.”
"Don’t you ‘My Love’ me Michael Fogarty. And don’t you be tellin’ me one of your tall tales. You know there is no such place as the Golden Pub. The Good Lord will punish you for telling’ such lies, He will."
But Fogarty insists, "Sure, but there is such a place, Missus Fogarty! It has huge golden doors, an’ a golden floor, an’ a golden foot rail at the bar. Pray that the Good Lord will strike me down where I stand if I’m a lyin’. Missus Fogarty, even the urinal is gold!"
But Missus Fogarty does not believe ol’ Fogarty’s story and says, “Don’t you be takin’ the Good Lord’s name in vain Michael Fogarty. Golden Pub, indeed! Off to bed with ya’ now. Go sleep it off!”
But the very next mornin’ finds Missus Fogarty poring through the phone book, searching for a saloon called The Golden Pub. Sure enough, she finds a bar far across Dublin with the same name.
Missus dials the number listed to check on ol’ Fogarty’s story. "Is this the Golden Pub?" she asks as the bartender answers the phone.
"It is," replies the bartender.
"An’ do you have huge golden doors?" asks Missus Fogarty.
"But of course we do, Missus," answers the bartender.
"Do you have golden floors too?"
"That we do, missus."
“An’ a golden foot rail at the bar?” queries Missus Fogarty.
“Yes, ma’am. We have that too.”
"What about golden urinals?"
Then there is a long pause…after which Missus Fogarty hears the bartender yelling in the background, "Hey, O‘Hara, I think I just got a lead on who took a leak in your saxophone!"
Colin Murphy lmfaoooo
Grady Quinn entered McCafferty’s Pub looking for someone he might know. He spied old Colin Murphy alone at a table, drinking all by himself and drinking fast and loose, he was. As Grady approached old Colin he noticed that Colin looked in terrible shape. “Colin,” said Grady. "You look just terrible, you do. What's wrong my friend?"
Said Colin, "Me mother died in July, leavin’ me $40,000, she did."
“Oh No!” replied Grady. “Well, no wonder you…”
“Wait!” interrupted Colin. “There’s more. Then in August me dear dad up and passed from the consumption. The dear man left me $80,000, he did."
"Well, Colin, that’s just awful,” answered Grady. “Losing both of your parents in two months time would put a strain on the best of us, it would. No wonder you're in here drinkin’ your sorrows away."
"Listen!” said Colin. “There’s more yet. Then last month me favorite aunt fell sick and passed, just like that, she did. The dear soul left me $38,000."
"Oh, Colin! You poor, poor man,” said Grady. “Losin’ three dear loved ones in just three months time. How terribly sad."
"Then this month!" continued Colin. "This month came and went, it did. And…nothing!…absolutely nothing!"