3:02 am
It was the coldest morning of the year, yet somehow it was warm. There was a goose in the sky.
"Huh. Why is there a goose flying in mid-January, shouldn't they all be south by now?" I murmured to myself.
With barely a thick enough shirt and sweatpants, I quickly hurried inside because today he was coming back. I hadn't seen him in a while; three years to be exact. Although he wasn't always around and even when he was, the only worthwhile memory was the joy he used to have when I was born. That love slow fizzled away and became nothing more than an expectation. With all the love I had given, it was never the love he really wanted. It was the despise from my older half-brother that kept his yearning. From a young age, I swore to never love someone truly because they will give it all away. Yet... I was still happy. It felt warm because he was coming back today. He came back and was happy to see me.
3:03 am
I could barely breathe with water entering my lungs. Five laps then then ten laps, I swear I only pushed myself because of how much I wanted to be someone else. I didn't start swimming for joy. I didn't like my body, I was confused, and the most impure thoughts would wander in my mind. So, swimming it was. I swim because throwing up water from my core felt good. It felt productive. It felt rewarding. It felt straight. Or it was just the externalization of how much I wanted to be someone people admired. The straight jock with the pretty girlfriend. Then I showered with the lifeguard after practice. I am not straight.
3:04 am
Summers have always been my favourite. I really like going out with friends and just doing the wildest stuff because I'm here for a good time, not a long time, you know? Well that was stupid. So it was senior year and I decided to get drunk and ride a roller coaster. Nothing much, just a dash of vodka into the amusement park's overpriced Root Beer. A few lessons were learned:
3:05 am
I never meant to be a whore. I'd say I'm adventurous but no evidence of active whore activity here! Aside from going on cam at 13, casual public hookups, enjoying the attention of older men showering me in gifts... yeah, no evidence of whore activity. People have a breaking point and I guess mine was being surrounded by the most sex-crazed teenagers in one dorm room.
3:06 am
It felt like my head was going to explode. I swear I didn't even have that much chocolate. I was warned the edibles will fuck me up but it can't be that bad. Fuck. I also ate everything off the McDonald's breakfast menu and blood is rushing my brain. I'm going to die. I need to get to my mom before I die. Am I hallucinating or am I actually dying? Walking down the stairs was the hardest part, everything was spinning. Why am I hearing Taylor Swift music?
But she wears short skirts
I wear T-shirts
She's Cheer Captain, and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time
3:07 am
It was the coldest morning of the year... wait, I saw that already, fast forward to another memory. I can't feel from my waist down. I can hear my mom but I can't see her. Then I heard the most inhuman scream.
"HE'S NOT BREATHING", she screamed at my dad.
"Ok Matt, this is probably a really bad high but what if your blood pressure dropped and you hit your head and you're dying for real? Think, think fast. What do you say to them to get help?", I thought to my half-dying self.
"Ok mom, call the ambulance, they know what to do.", I half mouthed to my mom.
"Haley! Ambulance. He's dying!!", my mom was fully convinced this is the last time she's seeing me.
"Mom, he is high... but I'll call š", my sister, Haley, tried her hardest not to roll her eyes any further back from my Oscar performance.
"The people on the phone wants to talk to you", Haley held the phone to my face.
"I'm high, I think I'm dying", I stupidly answered.
I swear I could hear the operator groaned.
"It's another one", then she hung up.
The ambulance came but before my blood pressure dropped and I blacked out again, all I could remember saying was "I love you, mom."
P.S. This was legit my experience written into a short story. I guess the idea of seeing your life flash in front of your eyes in the last few minutes before death always stuck with me so when my blood pressure dropped and I blacked out, I thought I was dying. I genuinely saw snippets of my life play out. I couldn't feel my waist down because my mom was literally squeezing me to death. Haley was literally no help. The ambulance people were hot apparently. Why did I have to look like a mess in front of hot people š„².
It was the coldest morning of the year, yet somehow it was warm. There was a goose in the sky.
"Huh. Why is there a goose flying in mid-January, shouldn't they all be south by now?" I murmured to myself.
With barely a thick enough shirt and sweatpants, I quickly hurried inside because today he was coming back. I hadn't seen him in a while; three years to be exact. Although he wasn't always around and even when he was, the only worthwhile memory was the joy he used to have when I was born. That love slow fizzled away and became nothing more than an expectation. With all the love I had given, it was never the love he really wanted. It was the despise from my older half-brother that kept his yearning. From a young age, I swore to never love someone truly because they will give it all away. Yet... I was still happy. It felt warm because he was coming back today. He came back and was happy to see me.
3:03 am
I could barely breathe with water entering my lungs. Five laps then then ten laps, I swear I only pushed myself because of how much I wanted to be someone else. I didn't start swimming for joy. I didn't like my body, I was confused, and the most impure thoughts would wander in my mind. So, swimming it was. I swim because throwing up water from my core felt good. It felt productive. It felt rewarding. It felt straight. Or it was just the externalization of how much I wanted to be someone people admired. The straight jock with the pretty girlfriend. Then I showered with the lifeguard after practice. I am not straight.
3:04 am
Summers have always been my favourite. I really like going out with friends and just doing the wildest stuff because I'm here for a good time, not a long time, you know? Well that was stupid. So it was senior year and I decided to get drunk and ride a roller coaster. Nothing much, just a dash of vodka into the amusement park's overpriced Root Beer. A few lessons were learned:
- Do not, under any circumstances, drink a fizzy drink before zooming the tallest roller coaster in Canada
- Do not mix Root Beer with vodka, Ginger Ale or Sprite would've done the job
- If you do accidentally throw up on a roller coaster, deny, no one will accuse you of such things (unless you full-on threw up on them)
3:05 am
I never meant to be a whore. I'd say I'm adventurous but no evidence of active whore activity here! Aside from going on cam at 13, casual public hookups, enjoying the attention of older men showering me in gifts... yeah, no evidence of whore activity. People have a breaking point and I guess mine was being surrounded by the most sex-crazed teenagers in one dorm room.
3:06 am
It felt like my head was going to explode. I swear I didn't even have that much chocolate. I was warned the edibles will fuck me up but it can't be that bad. Fuck. I also ate everything off the McDonald's breakfast menu and blood is rushing my brain. I'm going to die. I need to get to my mom before I die. Am I hallucinating or am I actually dying? Walking down the stairs was the hardest part, everything was spinning. Why am I hearing Taylor Swift music?
But she wears short skirts
I wear T-shirts
She's Cheer Captain, and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time
3:07 am
It was the coldest morning of the year... wait, I saw that already, fast forward to another memory. I can't feel from my waist down. I can hear my mom but I can't see her. Then I heard the most inhuman scream.
"HE'S NOT BREATHING", she screamed at my dad.
"Ok Matt, this is probably a really bad high but what if your blood pressure dropped and you hit your head and you're dying for real? Think, think fast. What do you say to them to get help?", I thought to my half-dying self.
"Ok mom, call the ambulance, they know what to do.", I half mouthed to my mom.
"Haley! Ambulance. He's dying!!", my mom was fully convinced this is the last time she's seeing me.
"Mom, he is high... but I'll call š", my sister, Haley, tried her hardest not to roll her eyes any further back from my Oscar performance.
"The people on the phone wants to talk to you", Haley held the phone to my face.
"I'm high, I think I'm dying", I stupidly answered.
I swear I could hear the operator groaned.
"It's another one", then she hung up.
The ambulance came but before my blood pressure dropped and I blacked out again, all I could remember saying was "I love you, mom."
P.S. This was legit my experience written into a short story. I guess the idea of seeing your life flash in front of your eyes in the last few minutes before death always stuck with me so when my blood pressure dropped and I blacked out, I thought I was dying. I genuinely saw snippets of my life play out. I couldn't feel my waist down because my mom was literally squeezing me to death. Haley was literally no help. The ambulance people were hot apparently. Why did I have to look like a mess in front of hot people š„².
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