One Liners

[Daft_Punk]

Two fish are in a tank, one looks at the other and says: "You know how to drive this thing?"

Two fish are swimming in the water...right into a wall, one looks at the other and says: "Dam"

 

[Bill Kember]

he he ))

 

[Daft_Punk]

What do you call security guards outside of a Samsung store?

Guardians of the Galaxy

 

[Justin Case]

Two fish are in a tank, one looks at the other and says: "You know how to drive this thing?"

Two fish are swimming in the water...right into a wall, one looks at the other and says: "Dam"

I just have to say you're jokes you posted it might just be me but they sound a little fishy

 

[Andy*]

Geology puns rock...😀
Andy

 

[SerenityMoon]

It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

 

[Andy*]

Its all fun and games , until you lose the keys to the handcuffs.
Andy

 

[SerenityMoon]

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I have no ides.

 

[Ks_guy]

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

 

[Inkandtatts]

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

 

[Deleted member 221990]

Nout!

 

[Inkandtatts]

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?

 

[MissMotive]

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I know I do.

 

[SerenityMoon]

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?

Why is the letter D in fridge but not refrigerator?

 

[Deleted member 221990]

👅👅👅👅👅👅

 

[00 Deleted member 00]

What do you call security guards outside of a Samsung store?

Guardians of the Galaxy

Ha ha that was a good one

 

[Ian2003]

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay. They quickly arrested me.

I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

 

[Soundz123]

If you're ever jumped by a group of clowns, go for the juggler.

 

[Jackobeem]

My boyfriend asked me for a double entendre, so I gave him one.

My grief counsellor just died, and he was so good I didn't give a sh*t about it

 

[Jackobeem]

Ooo, or one of my dad's favourite jokes

When I die, I hope I go quickly, quietly and peacefully, like my grandfather; not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.

 

[frying nemo]

If you're ever jumped by a group of clowns, go for the juggler.

pmsl nice one

 

[Deleted member 250213]

When the thread said "One Liners" all I can think of is the Titanic. That was one big liner.

 

[SerenityMoon]

I told him to be himself; that was pretty mean, I guess.

 

[SerenityMoon]

My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We’ll see about that.

 

[Deleted member 221990]

Bloody Hell

 

[SerenityMoon]

I called my therapist and told the receptionist that I think I'm invisible. She said she was sorry the Dr can't see me right now.

 

[algorithm]

if an illegal immigrant and a child molester have a fist fight, is it Alien vs Predator?

 

[SerenityMoon]

I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.

 

[Deleted member 221990]

Fatoot 😀

 

[SerenityMoon]

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a ****, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.

 

[MissMotive]

What do you do with a dead chemist?

You barium.

 

[AshleeLightBringer]

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self-Help section was… She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

 

[Deleted member 221990]

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self-Help section was… She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Oh light bringer you certainly are a bringer!

 

[SerenityMoon]

What's the difference between your wife and your job?

Your job still sucks.

 

[little cindy lou who]

Urology .. can you hold please ?

 

[SerenityMoon]

The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. It’s that no one runs in your family.

 

[Control Panel]

You're all so sweet and

.

 

[algorithm]

you're so backward you sit on your TV and watch the couch.

 

[SerenityMoon]

Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking **** from some asshole.

 

[Deleted member 221990]

AYE FER FOCK SAKE LOL <3.

 

[TechWiz]

One liner 😆

 

[SerenityMoon]

I went to a friends new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

 

[Ness_eb]

Thank god i got my library card cause i am checking you out. lol

 

[SerenityMoon]

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

 

[SouthernButchCharm]

I used to be addicted to soap , but thankfully I'm clean now

 

[SerenityMoon]

I use to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.

 

[SouthernButchCharm]

what do you call a fish wearing a tie ? Sofishticated

 

[SerenityMoon]

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.

 

[SouthernButchCharm]

How does the moon cut it's hair ? "eclipse it ".

 

[SerenityMoon]

I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.

 

[SouthernButchCharm]

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions ? I do

 

[SerenityMoon]

If I don't look like my profile picture, I'll keep on buying you drinks

 

[-Luka]

Why do you call an orphan taking a selfie?

Family Portrait.

 

[SerenityMoon]

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide but you can’t run.

 

[Irish_lady]

two blondes heading to disney sign said *disney land left* so they started crying and went home

 

[Irish_lady]

I know they say money talks.. all mine says is goodbye

 

[SerenityMoon]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

 

[redcrazykid]

Banana

 

[SerenityMoon]

I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.

 

[Deleted member 221990]

I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.

Nina.

 

[Time Capsule]

I was at the bank earlier. An old woman asked me if i could check her balance, cause she forgot her glases. I pushed her and she fell over. Na, her balance was shyte

 

[Radiation]

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

 

[SerenityMoon]

How many ears does Spok Have?
3
His left ear, his right ear and his final frontier

 

[Radiation]

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A hippo is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter.

 

[SerenityMoon]

It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

 

[redcrazykid]

do you do it?

 

[SerenityMoon]

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? That depends on how many you can get in a lightbulb.