My Grief Counselor must have been really great at his job, when he died, I didn't care.
Old people at weddings kept telling me "You'll be next", so I started saying it back to them at funerals.
I still remember my grandfather's last words, "Are you still holding the ladder?"
When I look back on my life I think about all the people I've lost along the way, I guess I shouldn't have been a wilderness tour guide.
Why do the Scotts wear kilts? Because sheep can hear zippers.
Some people say I'm looking for sexual partners in all the wrong places, other people just call it grave robbing.
I tried to warn my friend about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.
Did you hear the joke about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving more than once.
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.
Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
Why can’t you get a book on how to commit suicide at a library?
Because you wouldn’t bring it back.
What makes sad people jump?
Bridges.
Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 metres of a school?
Because he’s dead.
A man and a woman are walking through the woods at night when the woman says “I’m scared”.
“How do you think I feel?” The man replies. “I have to walk back alone.”
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you.
But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.
Where did terrorist go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
I love telling jokes about orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?
When does a joke become a
dad joke?
When it leaves and never comes back.
Why did two Asian parents have an Asian baby?
Because two wongs don’t make a white.
Dark humor is like food
Not everyone gets it.
I think that about covers it.
