The chill out/warm up RP.

  • Thread starter Thread starter xobscenemetalmelodiez
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xobscenemetalmelodiez

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Right, so, I was thinkin'. 'Cause we haven't been posting and no one's in the mood for anything serious or w/e the hell else, how about a nice, calm, un-serious thread that allows us to chill out, warm up for posting in other threads, or hell, just keep in the game.

Just fun little short posts, or long if you really get into it. It can be as serious or stupid as you like. There are no limitations.

Character Sheet:
Name:
Whatever the hell else you want. Your character only requires a name. Anything else you want to add, be it age, job, race, superpower, current location, favourite fruit, GO NUTS.

I'll get this show on the road. Ahem.

Character Sheet:
Name: Jojo.
Age: 24.
Gender: Female.
Race: Super intelligent talking monkey who ages the same as a human.
Occupation: Jojo's worked as pretty much anything you can imagine. Including your mom. Especially enjoys her job as a secret agent.
Special ability: Flinging feces.
Likes: Long walks on the beach; romantic, candle-lit dinners; foot massages; working as a secret agent; fast cars; fruit salad; dancing; painting.
Dislikes: Humans who think they are better than her; stupid people; being stared at; the circus; working in Mexican restaurants; bad acting; liars.
Favourite fruit: Peaches. (And you thought it would be bananas, you racist son of a-)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Jojo took a seat as the waiter showed her to her booth. She smiled and thanked him as he handed her a wine menu which she opened up, looking over the choices. She finally chose something vibrant and fruity to fit her current mood, "I'll have a glass of C?tes du Rhone, Ch?teau de Montfaucon, thank you."
She gave a smile as she handed the menu back to the waiter, who bowed as he spoke "Very good, madam." He turned and left Jojo to look around the rest of the establishment. It was quite busy, but not overwhelmingly so, rather it gave a good feel almost of being at a dinner party; except at this one she didn't have to socialise at when she didn't want to.​

The luxuriously dressed young monkey leaned back against the soft, padded seat, soon greeted by the waiter once more, who gave her a menu and served her glass of red wine. She thanked him again and he left to allow her some time to look over the various meals available.
Jojo inhaled through her nose deeply, enjoying the smell of the wine before taking a sip. So far the evening seemed to be going very nicely.​
 
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Character Sheet:
Name: Jack Noff
Age: 28
Gender: Male.
Race: Reptilian Overlord Human Hybrid.
Occupation: Jack has multiple personalities. Therefore has many jobs, however his name never changes. Bouncer. Stripper. Pimp. Perverted Customer. Strip Club Owner. Bar Tender. Waiter. Research Guinea pig Escapee.

He thinks he owns a club, which doesn't exist, where he also is the bouncer, stripper, pimp, customer, bartender and waiter. Sometimes on the same night. He also thinks he escaped a government facility where they experimented on him. On his nights off... he thinks he's a super hero.

Special ability: Driving the batmobile.
Likes: Stripping. Strippers. Money. Kicking bad guys ass. Sniffing coke with his ears. Saving the world. Gobstoppers.
Dislikes: Bad people. The government. Old people. Television. Radio. Fruit. Igguana's.

Favourite Power Ranger: The Green Ranger.

______________________

Jack Noff stepped into the cosy little restuarant situated at the far end of the city. Tonight he was going to treat himself to some fine fish. He glanced around the room, his eyes were hidden behind large black sunglasses, but found little of interest, apart from a smartly dressed monkey. He stepped forward.
"Sorry sir, we're currently full at the moment...," the receptionist said with a sharp foreign accent.

Jack Noff grunted, "Do you not know who I am!" he gasped now. The man shook his head and turned his attention to the book of names in front of him. Jack slammed his hand down on the book and removed his glasses, "I am the goddamn blackman!" he shouted. The receptionist, looking up at him now, merely pursed his lips and stepped back. "We are full sir."

"Your mother's full," Jack Mumbled. The receptionist didn't seem bothered. "I have a reservation...."
"Name please?"asked the receptionist.
"Jack'n off Blackman! You don't know me? I'm a super hero?"
 
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lol reminds me of digipet

Name: Carl

Age: 22 yrs old

Gender: Female

Dislikes: People who question her name
Certain types of Cheeses
Mini Horses

Likes: Certain types of Cheeses
Other stuffs lol


"Your name is Carl?" The man behind the liquor store counter asked.

Carl rolled her eyes, and then nodded slowly. "Yesss... As you can see on the f'n I.D i just gave you my name is Carl Johnson, now if you would be so kind as to giving me my liquor I will be out of your hair." Carl said pushing back her brown curly locks.

"I think this is a fake ma'm" The man said handing Carl bck her I.D.

"Well I think your boobs are fake, but I didn't mention that. Give me my drinks now, or I will be forced to do something I really don't want to do." Carl threatened leaning forward. Since the man was a little fat, he narrowed his eyes trying to hide the hurt behind it. It wasn't his fault he owned a pair of man boobs.

"You'll do what?" The man said with a smirk.

Shaking her head, Carl reached inside of jacket pocket, and pulled out a very large gun pointing it at the man. Instantly a wet spot started to form on the front of his pants. She laughed picking up the black back and waltzing out the store. "Jerk off" Carl called behind her, pushing through the door.
 
Character Sheet:
Name: Dale
Age: Unknown
Gender: Male
Race: Broodwich
Description: It's a sandwich...from hell!
Special Powers: Can send people to an evil dimension where an ax wielding psychopath will kill them if they take a single bite.

Dale sits there, watching the patrons of the bar.
 
Jack Noff exitted the restuarant. It was time to perform his nightly duties. He pulled out his bag from the car, pulled out the curly haired blonde wig and placed it on his head. He removed his shirt and pants and replaced them with a black leather bra and a mini skirt. He managed to slide up some pantyhose and put on high heels. He then got back into his car and played the Jonas Brothers.

He waited for the song to end before he drove off for work. He stopped suddenly pulling over to the sidewalk. "Hey baby, you want to have a good night?" Jack asked a straddling man who was walking by slowly.
The man's pace quickened, he shook his head. "You don't know what you're missing out babay!" Jack called after the man.

There was a flashing of lights. The Police. Jack punched the stearing wheel. "Hello Officer," Jack said, as the policeman appeared at the window. "Lets see your licence and registration ma- sir?" asked the policeman. Jack smiled, "Here you go."

The policeman frowned, "Not sure if you're trying to be funny, but If i see you pull over and ask someone to get in your car I'm going to do a lot worse than let you off with a warning."
Jack beamed, "You're letting me off?" he asked.
"Yes... but don't do it again."
"You want something in return babay?"
The cuffs were on him faster than a KFC fills up in Africa.
 
=]

=]

Character Sheet
Name: Mike Rotch
Age: 180,999
Gender: yes.
Race: not a funny fast runner-person-thingy
Occupation : NutBuster. Hardcore Gangster rapper. Wal-Mart associate. Broom. Proud owner of a hotel for the homeless. Proud owner of a dangalang.
Enjoys: Slapping people with his dangalang. Bombing public establishments. Shooting stuff. Searching for G-spots. Watching pokemon. Executing small animals. Performing pelvic thrusts on the streets for money. Assassinating people's faces on large billboards using stolen sniper rifles he took from the Japanese military.
Favorite hand : Pimp hand
Favorite position: the lotus.

Not much was going on in the crowded restaurant. A waitress was staring outside the window watching a trans gender hooker being arrested for trying to hit on a cop. Everything inside the place was quiet enough. People were enjoying their food. As well as the monkey.

A small can smashed though one of the restaurant's front windows. The can roll against the floor inside and more cans smashed though the other windows. The glass shattered and hit the floor dramatically. One of the cans exploded, knocking a nearby table apart and sending splinters of wood into the air. A table leg hit one of the diners in the testicles. The other cans exploded at the same time, sending tables, people and food flying throughout the area. Only one window was left untouched and unbroken. The receptionist looked at it. She picked up a fork and threw it at the window. " Eh, what the hell.. ", she said flinging the fork. Suddenly Mike Rotch burst though the window holding his pimp hand. He smack the fork away and hit jetted at the receptionists' left breast. The breast burst into flames and the fork poked it. Mike looked around the restaurant. " DID SOMEONE CALL THE NUTBUSTERS? "
Everyone looked stared at the deranged, nude arsonist. All of a sudden music started playing. " When you're feeling strange, and you get deranged, who you gonna call? NutBusters! ", sung Mike Crotch with a sadistic smile on his face. " sex monkey! ", he yelled out. His dangalang extended forward and slapped the monkey in the face. It fell down and hit the floor, unconscious.
" Ain't 'fraid of no nut ", said one of the diners. Mike extended his dangaland at the man. It hit him in his face and sent the man though the wall of the restaurant. A bullet went though Mike's head. An impossible amount of blood flooded the restaurant. Mike fell dead. Behind him was a man holding a gun. It was smoking. The man was also nude. " I'm the real Mike Rotch ", he said. The restaurant was completely filled with blood now. A diner licked his finger. " How can we be sure you're the real Mike? " , said a random guy in the background. Mike's dangland slapped the man though the roof of the restaurant. He soared away into the night sky. " Shut the hell up", said Mike. " How can be sure you're the real Mike, though? ", said the exact same random guy, standing on a table. " How the hell did you get there? ", said Mike, confused. " This isn't blood! It's kool-aid! ", said the diner who had licked his finger. " He is the real one! ".

Mike frowned. He spun around in a circle. His dangalang tore though the walls of the restaurant and leveled the building. Music started playing. Everyone looked at Mike."Who the hell listens to Amy Winehouse?", asked one of the diners. " Stay off these nuts", said Mike. He pulled a cellphone from out of his bare rear end. He answered it. " Sorry citizens, I must leave you now. The NutBuster's have a problem to solve. It seems that a trans gender lizard has been spotted speeding in a stolen police cruiser. He needs a good dangalang slapping. " And with that Mike Rotch walked away at the speed of light. The mothereffing end. Go die.
 
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I love you guys. So much.
I just have to quote two things.
.::Kill0_0Frosty::. said:
The cuffs were on him faster than a KFC fills up in Africa.
Click to expand...
Masta Shake said:
Gender: yes.
Occupation: Wal-Mart associate. Broom.
Enjoys: Slapping people with his dangalang. Bombing public establishments. Shooting stuff. Searching for G-spots. Watching pokemon. Executing small animals. Performing pelvic thrusts on the streets for money. Assassinating people's faces on large billboards using stolen sniper rifles he took from the Japanese military.
Click to expand...
These things in particular are...beautiful. I must commend you on your post Masta Shake. It was also very beautiful indeed.

--------------------------------------​

The tranquility of the restaurant was broken as cans smashed through the windows and began exploding, sending tables and people flying through the air. A naked man entered the establishment. He started singing. Upon seeing Jojo he screamed something out and knocked her out with a dangalang to the face.​

Jojo awoke to the wreckage of the restaurant which had been leveled completely. The man who had smacked her in the face with his "dangalang" was lying dead on the floor from a bullet through the head, however the "blood" was Kool-Aid. "Oh, what the fu--?"
Her phone went off. She lifted it and answered. "Johnson. Yes, I'm fine. We have a problem. Well, several. My dress is just ruined. Okay. I'm on it. Someone owes me a dry cleaning bill." She furrowed her brows and smiled all cool-like.
She stood and ran through the door to the bathroom, which was all that was left of the building. A moment later she burst through in her secret agent catsuit, striking and generic martial art style pose.​

She darted outside and onto her little monkey-sized motorbike, pulling her little monkey goggles down. Lifting her radio she tuned it on. "Repeat, we have a 5-11; giant mutant reptilian male in drag in possession of a stolen police vehicle on 37th street. There's some...naked guy catching up to him, too, it's...really fucking gross."
"Bingo."​

She drove off in the direction the police had specified, stopping beside a bar along the way and darting inside. There was a sandwich sitting in a bar stool, a martini resting upon it. Jojo didn't even raise a brow, this was pretty normal. She went into the back.
"Pip, I need me some weapons."
"Sure, yo'." The half man half chicken half satellite dish responded, flipping the table over to reveal a large collection of weapons.
"Awesome." Jojo grinned all badass-like.​

Several minutes later she was cruisin' down the highway, A-ha blasting from her monkey bike sound system. It was only a matter of time before she caught up and got that dry cleaning bill.​

"Talking away, I don't know what I'm to say, I'll say it anyway, today's another day to find you. Shying away, I'll be coming for your love okay.
Take on me (Take on me)
Take me on (Take on me)
I'll be gone, in a day or twooooooooo."​
 
Jack Noff was in jail. Someone had played in his mud... if you know what I mean. He couldn't walk. He was out of it. The guards had placed him in his own holding cell now. It was time for his phonecall. "You have 5 minutes."

Jack picked up the phone and dialled a number, "Bob... bob the builder, I'm in jail... can you fix this?"
 
Penis picked up his penis and put it to his face

'Penis Penis' emitted from the penis

'Penis why are you saying penis penis' Penis replied,with a look of disgust on his face.

Then Penis carried on laying dormant
 
xobscenemetalmelodiez said:
I love you guys. So much.
I just have to quote two things.


These things in particular are...beautiful. I must commend you on your post Masta Shake. It was also very beautiful indeed.

--------------------------------------​

The tranquility of the restaurant was broken as cans smashed through the windows and began exploding, sending tables and people flying through the air. A naked man entered the establishment. He started singing. Upon seeing Jojo he screamed something out and knocked her out with a dangalang to the face.​

Jojo awoke to the wreckage of the restaurant which had been leveled completely. The man who had smacked her in the face with his "dangalang" was lying dead on the floor from a bullet through the head, however the "blood" was Kool-Aid. "Oh, what the fu--?"
Her phone went off. She lifted it and answered. "Johnson. Yes, I'm fine. We have a problem. Well, several. My dress is just ruined. Okay. I'm on it. Someone owes me a dry cleaning bill." She furrowed her brows and smiled all cool-like.​
Click to expand...

Rotflmaolol. I love this thread. Rp is fun again.
 
~<<Pēąčħęś>>~;3443548 said:
soz to spam but this Sh!t is hilarious!! omg :lmao: :lmao:
xxx~
Click to expand...
No worries, I'm glad people are having fun. Feel free to join!
Everyone!! Woo!
 
After putting the hooker in jail, Mike Rotch went home. He hopped into his three-wheeled Ferrari and speed off into the sunrise.

On the way home, Mike stopped by a lingerie store and picked up some sexy apparel for his hand. He then went home.

He got home and took a cold, 2 minutes shower. He was trying to cut down on his utility bills. Afterward he went to his room. There he found his hand wearing the candy lace thong he had bought. " Gettin' freeakay", with a lonely look on his face.

Him and his sexfully dressed hand made sweetlove until the next sunrise.

Mike Rotch got out of the bed and walked to the bathroom. Upon reaching the door, he collapsed because of extreme starvation and dehydration. If only he had eaten a sandwich while he was sexulating. He had forgotten to put on his LifeAlert before he began sexulating with his hand. He reaching for the telephone which was in the next room. His efforts failed. In fact, they were most retarded. The telephone was in the other door. Downstairs... The poor bastard passed out.

Luckily Mike Rotch's hand soon awoke and called the ambulance. Sadly, they arrived to find Mike Rotch's body half devoured by a swarm of raccoons and possums. They all flipped Mike off and gangraped his hand.

The hand is still alive today. It has never forgotten that day and has been living in horrible fear ever since. She was afraid that if she went to rehab, she would be raped even worse. With chopsticks this time. Instead she got a sex-change operation and resumed her old occupation as a nude chef. She became famous for her wonerful work. She got a reverse sex-change operation then moved to New Zealand to live the rest of her life wealthy.

Today she still dreams of Mike Rotch and the extreme 2-day sex they had.

Somewhere, Mike Rotch crawls out of his aged grave. ...

the end????!!??
 
Carl waltzed down the street, with a bottle of beer in her hand. She stumbled a bit, walking right into a brick wall. Oddly this didn't knock her down, but tripping over her shoe lace did. She sat on the ground for several moments, before she knew exactly what had happened. "Shoot!" Carl yelled at the sky.

"Are you okay, you hit that wall pretty hard miss?" A nice handsome man asked. He looked right out of a fairytale. Blonde hair, blue eyes, a funny looking outfit, with a crown on his head.

"I'm fine, who the french are you?" Carl demanded, after pushing herself up on her feet.

"I am Prince Charming Maddam." The prince answered with a smile.

Carl saw stars floating around his head, once she looked into his eyes. Could this be love? She cleared her throat, "Yeah...wow Prince Charming... I'm Carl." Carl introduced herself, tossing the bottle of beer.

"Carl Hmm? Umm is that a nickname." Prince Charming asked, "Are you drunk?"

"No and Yes I'm not drunk..." Carl answered and then frowned, "Shut up don't you judge me mister handsome."

"Well it's nice to meet you Carl, would you like to join me down at the bar for a game of Foosball. I'm short a player." The prince asked, holding out his arm.

Carl gasped, "I happen to be gold medal winning foosball champ! Sure, I would love to."

"So your that Carl, wow what a honor we shall be on our way then."
 
Using his reptilian overlord human hybrid powers Jack Noff escaped prison, that is before he raped everyone inside there... including the guards. He was of course now Jack Noff super pimp. He drove a flowerly lace tassled bicycle to his "strip club". He stepped up to the invisible red carpet and stood at the door as Jack Noff super bouncer.

He stepped to the side now, "Sorry can I come in?" asked Jack Noff super customer, and then stepped back to the side of the door, "Clubs full," said Jack Noff super bouncer. "Come on!" protested Jack Noff super customer.
"Fine, but don't tell the boys inside."

Jack Noff super customer headed inside the "strip club", which was in fact a grocery store located on the corner of a dodgy street in a dodgy area of town. Jack Noff super customer walked up to the counter, slid around it and stood beside the confused shop assistant. "Can I help you?" asked the man. "Don't worry John-John, I got this one," said Jack Noff super bartender. "What'll it be sir?" asked Jack Noff super bartender.

Jack Noff slid back around. "Ur... nothing right now thanks. Think I'll just watch the show," said Jack Noff super customer. He then spun on his heel and climbed one of the racks. He began his rythmical dancing. Jack Noff super stripper ripped off his pants with tremendous force throwing them towards the shopping assitant.

Then he jumped down suddenly, ran to the door, and slammed his foot down. "I am Blackman!" he shouted loudly. "And this horrendous act must end!" said Jack Noff aka super super hero, Blackman. He then jumped back onto one of the aisles and screamed, running to the back of the store, before walking back to the front, "Yo yo yo, wha' kind o' gay******ry iz goin' own up in diz bitch?" asked Jack Noff Super Pimp.

"I must end this horrendous act!" shouted Blackman. Then Jack Noff punched himself in the face and got aids.
 
Jojo arrived at the prison to find everyone brutally raped. It appeared she was too late, they were all dead from massive anal hemorrhages, but one of the guards crawled and tried to speak. She darted down to him, lifting him and allowing him to lean on her.
"M...monkey?" he strained.
"Call me Jojo."
"Holy shit I must be more fucked up than I thought."
She rolled her eyes. "Tell me, did you see a naked man here? With a magical dangalang?"
"Yeah, he...he dropped the lizard off...he...the lizard raped us all."
"Don't worry, you'll be fine, tell me, where did the naked man go?"
"He...said he was going home. He gave us all a card...in case we needed to get in touch." He looked to his pocket. Jojo grabbed the card and dropped the guard to the floor with a thud. He let out a tired groan of pain.
"Bingo." She called Johnson. "Johnson, give me a location for this number," she entered it into her spy wristband dibby, "and send an ambulance to the Police Station. There's been a serial rape."
"Sure thing, Jojo."

When she got the address she headed there immediately and waited outside, pressing a button on her bike to bring the top over, making it into a Tron bike kinda thing. She sat back inside, waiting for the naked guy to come out so she could get her dry cleaning bill paid.

Jojo fell asleep after a while, but was awoken in the morning by the arrival of an ambulance. She waited outside for a while to see what was going on, and after not too long some paramedics came back out of the house laughing and high-fiving one another. The ambulance drove off, and curious to know what was going on she made her way inside.

Lying on the bedroom floor was the remains of the naked guy, she could tell from the only half-devoured dangalang. In the corner was a crying hand. Jojo looked around and saw his wallet on the bedside cabinet. She opened it and took out the money for the dry cleaning. Looking around to see if anyone was watching she then shrugged and took the rest of the money, the credit cards and a membership card to Super Dangalang Club.
"Hmm."
She then strolled out, grabbing the fruit bowl and taking it with her as she left.

Jojo returned home and watched several hours of Cribs while eating her stolen fruit and other things she ordered in using Mike Rotch's money. She'd already called Johnson to take care of the dry cleaning. Life was good.
 
Character Sheet:
Name: 步行通过河
Age: 十七
Gender: 男性
Occupation: 古老中國戰士。 也一名兼職点心师。
Special ability: 投擲的匕首酥皮點心
Likes: 香港奔忙
Dislikes: 認為他的人们输入日本人
Favourite fruit:梨。

步行通过河(我們將告诉他簡稱將。)快活进入了屋子。 " 你好，對所有我的朋友! " 他驚嘆了。 " 我在這裡賣酥皮點心! " 所有看他奇蹟的，和後來跑到他購買他講話的酥皮點心。
 
Neon Knight. said:
Character Sheet:
Name: 步行通过河
Age: 十七
Gender: 男性
Occupation: 古老中國戰士。 也一名兼職点心师。
Special ability: 投擲的匕首酥皮點心
Likes: 香港奔忙
Dislikes: 認為他的人们输入日本人
Favourite fruit:梨。

步行通过河(我們將告诉他簡稱將。)快活进入了屋子。 " 你好，對所有我的朋友! " 他驚嘆了。 " 我在這裡賣酥皮點心! " 所有看他奇蹟的，和後來跑到他購買他講話的酥皮點心。
Click to expand...
YOU VELY FUNNY MAN. I ROR'D./caps
 
Neon Knight. said:
i'm just wondering how many waps tried translating it thinking it was japanese :dontknow:
Click to expand...
Lolz.
I'm not quite so great with languages that I could tell straight off, but I made an educated guess it was Chinese rather than Japanese. lul
 
I haz to join diz! I love you for making this Laura, and I'm pretty sure I'd marry frosty now!

Name: The Douche.
Age: It's difficult too work out douche years to human years.
Gender: Male.
Race: A literal giant douche. But he does have arms and legs.
Occupation: Hobo.
Special power: Being a giant literal douche.
Enjoys: Not being a Hobo.
Hobbies: Weeing up walls.
***​
The Douche vomited up the wall in the alley way, a normal night. He put his back to the wall and slid down, he allowed his hand to let the empty alcohol bottle roll out. He began to sob uncontrollably, a normal night. He pulled "her" picture out of... somewhere... and looked at it. 'Ah god Sophie, I loved uuuu, but peoples they just don't underSTAND argh loveees' He struggled over to his "house" a cardboard box; he threw out the stray cat which simply took off offended. He pulled out a bottle of vodka; his last one. 'Aww damn'. He struggled to his feet and began to run to the liquor store. ​
 
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Then Jojo died the end. Of her at least.

Character Sheet:
Name: Dhoskephutaugac-thalegoth Ddd-uathnygngnanscharugotuagnaqusUr`catlzot A'lzhathailLazota. Or Scharu for short.
Age: 932929483. Appears like...10.
Gender: Female.
Race: Uknown. Probably a goddamn demon. From space.
Occupation: Whatever the hell she feels like.
Special ability: Millions.
Likes: Pretty dresses, toys, sweets, flowers, music, dancing, drawing, baby animals, blowing shit up, murdering, raping, pillaging, corrupting.
Dislikes: Anything that pisses her off. You.
Favourite fruit: Strawberries.
Favourite Band: Cannibal Corpse.
Least Favourite Art Movement: Modernism.
Favourite Sex Position: Jesus Christ, she may be like a bazigillion years old but she looks TEN for fuck's sake. You sick motherfucker.

✖☠✖​

​
Scharu was skipping down the street merrily when all of a sudden she saw a giant douche run by. It seemed to be headed to the liquor store, and took little to no notice of her. Intrigued by this hideous crime against God she followed after, entering the booze emporium to find it sobbing uncontrollably on the counter, pausing every now and again only to take a swig from a bottle of cheap vodka. "Ah god Sophie," it was wailing, though the guy serving him didn't seem to even be paying attention. He took a long drag from his cigar, staring into space.

Scharu waltzed up to the counter casually. "I'll take your most expensive intoxicant, my good man."
The guy looked down at her. He was fat and wearing a dirty wifebeater, stained with a great many horrible things. He seemed to be breaking a sweat from breathing. "Sure," he said in a gruff voice, turning and grabbing a bottle from the many shelves behind him and placing in on the counter in front of her, "here's out most pricey hooch, kid. That'll be fifty bucks."
"That was easy enough," she thought to herself. So many establishments selling alcohol would refuse to serve her, so this made a nice change. Clearly she was in the presence of a very perceptive man for him to realise she was in fact quite capable of taking her liquor. Then she realised she had no money. Looking around, trying to come up with a plan, she noticed a wallet sticking out of the back of the large douche. She looked from side to side; the fat guy was back to staring off into space again. She slipped the wallet from the back of the douche and looked through it, taking what little money was within, along with several credit cards, a driver's license, and a membership card to something called "HUGE FAT TAT LOVERS". "Hmm, he must be a tattoo enthusiast." With that she placed the money on the counter, "Thank you my good man!"
She stepped out of the shop and waited outside for the douche, wondering what he'd do next. As she did so she decided to try the "hooch" the man had sold her. It had quite a kick to it, it seemed.
 
Return of The Douche

Return of The Douche

The Douche staggered along the street, not as drunkenly as he would have liked. He sobbed uncontrollably as he went and the girl - or so she seemed - that was watching him went unnoticed. The Douche smacked open the door of the liquor store and went over to the counter, he then proceeded to vomit all over it. The man at the counter didn't seem to care though and continued to stare into space.
'I neeeeds some Vodkas man, I neeeeeds it to take away the pain. Oh God Sophie, oh GOD, why? Why didn't they just let us be!' He picked his head up from the counter to the man wearing the wife beater.
'I used to be something you know, SOMEDOUCHE, I used to have it alls. I worked for the C.I.A, I was the best bastard in that place, but people just won't let a douche and a woman BE. I meanz we were going to get married and have kids; but no, NO, they just couldn't let us be. I can kill a man in 1032058 ways, with a PENCIL-'

During The Douche's speeched - in which his face... 🙂dontknow🙂 was in the vomit on the counter - the "young" girl had come in, been served, taken his wallet and then left. The Douche took ten minutes crying on the counter before raising his head to the man behind the counter again.
'I'll take some Vodkas' the man placed it down on the counter; he was used to The Douche, he didn't really care about the sobbing as long as he paid.
'The cheap crap right?'
'Yeah' The Douche reached back for his wallet only to find it was gone, he sobbed hard.
'Oh God it's gone, my moneys... can I have it for free?'
'No'
The Douche then knew what he had to do, he saw a pencil on the counter. If this was a movie, at this point the screen would go black and white because even the most hardened man couldn't deal with the amount of blood.

The Douche stepped over the mangled body of the man and began to grab the bottles behind the counter. He sobbed as he did so, he continued to sob as he stole the rest of the things in the store.
'What haves I BECOME' he said walking out the store, he look at his arm realising his heroin addiction was acting up. He began to run to his dealer.
 
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Presenting my second character, whom will probably die in the second or third post, to keep my from blowing my brains out in boredom:

THIS CHARACTER IS NOW DEAD.

Name: Suave Squirrel, a.k.a, Mr. Nuts.
Age: 3.
Gender: Male.
Race: Squirrel.
Occupation: He's the C.I.A's clean up guy.
Current Mission: To kill The Douche as he is now a rogue.
Favorite Joke: Why does a squirrel swim on it's back? To keep it's nuts dry.
Dislikes: Douches, heroin, hobos, booze, heterosexual porn. Being like less than foot tall.

squirrel4.jpg


YMCA​

Mr. Nuts made his way down the street, when he heard the unmistakable sound of The Douche sobbing. He ran as fast as he could to the noise but The Douche was gone. Mr. Nuts turned his attention to the liquor store, he walked in, the smell of blood filling his noise.
'Oh my God, I have seen some screwed up things in this job... but this' Mr. Nuts vomited on the counter already covered in vomit, yeah The Douche was fudged up alright. He walked into the street and saw a little girl, he walked over to her. He realised she was probably traumatised by the events in the liquor store, then he saw the liquor in her hand.
'You, small child, have you seen a giant literal Douche anywhere?'​
 
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Scharu watched through the window as the giant douche brutally ended the life of the man behind the counter using only a pencil and his vomit and tears. Strangely, this wasn't the first time she'd seen this happen. Even that fact didn't bother her though.

The Douche stumbled out of the store and started running in the opposite direction. Just as she was about to follow him she heard an annoying little squeaky voice from behind her. She turned, then upon seeing no one in front of her, looked down. It was a squirrel...dressed in a suit and a hat. This wasn't the first time she had beheld this sight either. Again, that such things were common occurrences in her life didn't bother her in the least.
'You, small child, have you seen a giant literal Douche anywhere?'
Slightly intoxicated from the booze the now deceased store owner had sold her, and also being a great lover of violence and shit like that, she answered, "Well, I'd say you, but it's quite plain that you are in fact far too small to be called a GIANT anything, even if it is just referring to your level of douchery or what have you rather than literal size."

The squirrel seemed unamused. She paused for a moment, then said, "Fuсk off." Scharu gripped the the neck of the bottle tightly and than swung it down upon the head of the furry critter. The glass smashed as it came into contact with the pavement, covering the squirrel in alcohol. He had fallen to the ground. Scharu was unsure whether the puddle around his head was blood or booze, and truthfully she gave not a fuck, so she turned to follow after The Douche, simply stating, "Meh, it tasted like ass gravy anyways." And with that she flew off after the giant vaginal cleansing...thing.
 
'You got my shit then dude?' The Douche said to his dealer, he was getting twitchy with his pencil now.
'Look, you still need to pay for last time, and the time before that! I'm cutting you off' His dealer said flicking his cigarette away, he looked at The Douche like he was a used douche.
'Come on dude, I-I lost my wallet, I just need a little ya'know. Just need the pain to go away for a little while'.
'No dice The Douche'
'Please I'm begging, just a taste!'. The dealer sighed, shaking his head, then he looked both ways.
'Alright, alright, but this is the last time I'm cutting you any slack and your paying me back for this time and the last; got it?' he said.
'Thanks man, I know, I will, just need to get away for a while'
'Considered Hawaii?'
'Not that you fu-! You wonderful man youz'
The dealer handed The Douche what he wanted and then he was gone. The Douche couldn't wait, he slumped in the alleyway he had made his "deal" in, he took a swig of vodkas before tying a shoe lace he found on the floor around his arm. And sure enough withdrawal was gone. You should give him credit for this it isn't easy to this this while sobbing.

YMCA​

'What the fuck' Mr. Nuts said standing up, he found the girl to be gone, 'that little bitch just cost be valuable time in which I could have been finding The Douche!' Then he remembered The Douche's sobs, they were very particular sobs, his heroin habit. He opened his brief case and got out the files, he would have to find The Douche's dealer. ​

The dealer was walking down the street, thinking about what a smuck The Douche was, when a voice said from behind him.
'You know The Douche?'
'Nah ma-' the dealer turned to see he was talking to a ****ing squirrel 'Nah man, what's it to you?'. He saw glint in the squirrel's eye, it got out a gun. 'Jesus man! Please don't do anything stupid, I got a wife, well she's more of a hooker; but still!'.
'Look I don't give a fuck if you're a heroin dealer or what, all I want is The Douche, you give him to me and you're free to go. If not - well I think you get the idea' Mr. Nuts gestured to his gun and just like that he had a tab on The Douche. ​
 
Soon Scharu came across The Douche, half-conscious in an alleyway, a shoelace tied around one arm, a bottle of vodka in his hand, and in the other a used needle.
"Jesusfuсk." She walked over to him slowly. How could she check if he was awake? Of course. She punched him in the face. "The fuсk are you?"

He didn't respond. She looked from side to side. No one was around. She punched him again. And again. Then she kicked him in the face. Then the nuts. If he had nuts. She wondered. She disappeared for a moment, then returned with a baseball bat. She proceeded to smash his face in with it.
It was fun!
 
Mr. Nuts and The Douche meet at last.

Mr. Nuts and The Douche meet at last.

The Douche awoke to find a small girl beating his face in and for a moment he was taken back to his past, then he groaned and rolled over smacking the baseball bat away from him. The girl started to beat his ass - making a hole that was not there before but probably should have been. The Douche was not upset by the girl beating him, he was used this, after all he was a hobo... and a giant douche.
'Little girl, I'm trying to enjoy the brilliance and purity of being stoned- aw fuck it.' The Douche let the little girl continue for a while before crawling away- before trying to crawl away. It did not go well. He ended up falling in a pool of vomit he had earlier made.
'What do you want from me little girl?' he turned to look at her properly 'Sophie, I knew you'd come for me!' he swung his arms around the little girl.
YMCA​

Mr. Nuts ran to where The Douche's dealer said he would be, to his shock - but not horror - he found the little girl from before being hugged by The Douche.
'So you're a paedophile now The Douche, or should I say The Douchebag?' Mr. Nuts frowned at the couple 'We have business.'
'Who the fuck are you!?' The Douche asked 'Actually, I don't care, I won't let youz get in the wayz of me and Sophies love' he threw the girl aside - probably cracking her head open on the brick wall - so he could fight Mr. Nuts. He cluched his pencil tight in his hand, then he was sick everywhere. ​
 
Scharu laughed as the Douche just took the abuse, and laughed even harder as he tried to crawl away only to land with his face in a pool of vomit.
'What do you want from me little girl?' he turned to look at her properly 'Sophie, I knew you'd come for me!' he swung his arms around the little girl.
"Um...ew. Hands off, fuсker." She tried to pull away but before she could she heard a familiar squeaky voice.
'So you're a paedophile now The Douche, or should I say The Douchebag?' Mr. Nuts frowned at the couple 'We have business.'
"Oh, brother," it was indeed the squirrel from before, "I thought I killed you or something?"
'Who the fuck are you!?' The Douche asked 'Actually, I don't care, I won't let youz get in the wayz of me and Sophies love' he threw her aside so he could fight Mr. Nuts. He cluched his pencil tight in his hand, then he was sick everywhere.
Scharu stumbled backwards, steadying herself before she fell over into one of the many pools of "mysterious" fluid. "The hell if up with you guys?"

She watched as the two fought in a most strange manner, until she got bored and lifted her hands into the air, causing the two of them to set alight. She watched them flail around a little, then got bored of that. "Meh, you guys suck. Do something FUNNY, or I shall kill you both." They both looked at her, glanced to one another, then back at her. "Heh, no really. I'mma fuсk your ѕhit up unless you sons of bitches ENTERTAIN me. AND IT BETTER BE GOOD!"
 
Heh, no really. I'mma fuсk your ѕhit up unless you sons of bitches ENTERTAIN me. AND IT BETTER BE GOOD!" the girl said looking at The Douche and Mr. Nuts. The Douche tried dancing a bit then he gave up and sat down; he began to cry profusely.
'Oh Godz, I'm pathetic, plz killz me!'
'Jesus you're pathetic, look, look at me dance!' Mr. Nuts said, he then broke into epic dancing. Fiery passion was lit in his eyes, he danced for at least a good hour, then stopped arms outstretched on his knees, he panted heavily. The Douche applauded, then got his pencil and hacked of Mr. Nuts arm. Blood flowed through the air splattering The Douche, pure red against white - ish. It stained the worn concrete in an almost poetic way I can't be bothered to do.
'You bastard!' Mr. Nuts picked up his arm and beat The Douche with it, blood flew everywhere.
 
Scharu watched as the Douche danced in a most pathetic manner, then stopped, sat down and cried...if possible, it was more pathetic, though the crying was a better act than the dancing. However the Squirrel's dancing was much more impressive. But Scharu got bored after about two minutes and started to play around with other things, mostly beating the Douche some more, then leaving for about forty-five minutes to play, set fire to things and steal some soda and candy.

When she came back Mr. Nuts seemed to have only juts finished dancing, he was on his knees, panting, arms outstretched. "Meh," she said, still unimpressed. That was until the Douche attacked him with a pencil and blood spurted through the air. The scent of the beautiful crimson liquid was enticing, the image of it splattering across the alleyway, the Douche and the squirrel was worthy of being great artwork. Suddenly she was intrigued.
'You baѕtard!' Mr. Nuts cried as he picked up his arm and beat The Douche with it, blood flying everywhere. Scharu was filled with joy and watched them in excitement rather than boredom now.
"Yes! Yes, kill him! KILL HIM!" she egged them on, giggling with glee.
 
R.I.P Mr. Nuts

R.I.P Mr. Nuts

The Douche pulled back slightly disgruntled by Mr. Nuts assault.
'Dude what the hell are you doing!' he said as he tried to bash the small irritating arm away. 'Dude that is so gross!'
'You bastard my ARM!' Mr. Nuts kept going to the point in which he was panting wildly, at this point blood had covered all the three of them. Who would have thought such a small mammal could contain such amounts of blood?
'Dude, look I'm sobering, I've got to go; wait I'm sober... I'm sober.' The Douche looked down at himself, Mr. Nuts had now stopped and was saying.
'Oh Jesus my hernia...!'
'Thanks man, for the first time I can think about what I'm doing; it's all thanks to you making me stay here for so long!' The Douche shook Mr. Nuts hand, but now that he was back to the way he was used to he was yet again a coldblooded killer. His hand gripped the pencil tighter.
'You crazy bastard, you think we're cool, you bashed my fucking arm off!'
'And I'm about to do much worse...'

As an individual of this RP forum and as human being I feel that what happened next is to horrible to write/show/mention in anyway/have anything to do with. As a result of such need for censorship, I feel that this bold red writing will have to do as a mental image for what happened and to accentuate the graphic horror of what occurred here. I also feel that to ease the mood of the situation so this RP can continue in a friendly and relaxed manner, in which all participants can enjoy, I should show this picture.

20090513324697blackween.jpg



Now everyone feels good.
'ARGH JESUS, AH NO PLEASE GOD NO NOT THE-'
...heh... very...um... sorry there, folks... ha ha... heh.
 
Scharu just laughed as she watched the two fuckwits destroying each other. Soon the squirrel was dead, she lifted it up and smushed it around in the face of The Douche. "HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW, YO?!" she said for no apparent reason. She then took a garbage can and smashed it into The Douche's head, knocking him down, then knocked over a large dumpster, setting fire to one end of it and standing on the other end, singing, "I AM THE ANTI-CHRIST, I AM AN ANARCHIST!" air guitar solo "NIDDLY NIDDLY NYYYYEEEEOOOOW!!! FUСK Y' MOTHERS!"
 
Smallest post ever.

Smallest post ever.

The Douche picked himself of the floor and looked at the little girl as she began to use the air guitar and scream her lungs out.
Jesus what the hell is wrong with this girl, even I know not to fudge with her... but maybe she could help me with her seemingly undying lust for violence and suffering of others?
'Hey little girl, you seem to like the pain and misery of others wanna come with me and blow the shit out of the C.I.A?'
Oh yes The Douche had a score to settle and with or without the little girl he would blow the absolute shit out of the C.I.A.
 
"Yeah sure. I suuuuure do love violence. How're we getting there, douche?" she inquired, calling him a douche despite the fact he was a literal one, and apparently that was his name too, but she hadn't really been paying enough attention to know that.
 
Most savoury post ever.

Most savoury post ever.

"Yeah sure. I suuuuure do love violence. How're we getting there, douche?"The Douche pondered for a moment of how to get to the C.I.A and blow it the fuck up.
'Well the only problem is that after all the years of drug and alcohol abuse it seems I have very few brain cells left, don't get me wrong I can blow the entire C.I.A to hell but transport is another thing... hm. Wanna hijack a bus?'
After a discussion of this option along with possible other ways to get to the C.I.A - and roasting Mr. Nuts over the fire from the dumpster then discussing how tasty he was and how oddly like chicken his tasted - they decided the bus would be the best choice.
Unfortunately they hijacked an old peoples tour bus so the air wasn't as pleasant as they would have probably liked, then there was the fact the Mr. Nuts hat and suit had left The Douche with EPIC diarrhea.
'Aw god why did we eat the squirrel's suit!' The Douche said 'Thank God the windows open this far, oops I think I caused a car crash behind us!'
It took the girl and The Docuhe a second before bursting into explosive laughter and that my friend was all that was explosive.
 
Later...

The bus pulled up at the head building of the C.I.A. and Scharu and The Douche stepped out. "All right," Scharu said, "let us never talk of that trip again. ONWARD!"

They exploded into the building, "This is a stick up! EVERYBODY ON THE GROUND! Actually," Scharu changed her mind, "instead, how about you call run around screaming? It's more fun that way. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. NOW RUN AND SCREAM!! AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!"

She began to blow shit up.
 
xobscenemetalmelodiez said:
Later...

The bus pulled up at the head building of the C.I.A. and Scharu and The Douche stepped out. "All right," Scharu said, "let us never talk of that trip again. ONWARD!"

They exploded into the building, "This is a stick up! EVERYBODY ON THE GROUND! Actually," Scharu changed her mind, "instead, how about you call run around screaming? It's more fun that way. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. NOW RUN AND SCREAM!! AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!"

She began to blow shit up.
Click to expand...

hahaha yea and den after this happens a black guy comes out and fukken knocks everyone out and scharu says "someone get him some fried chicken A - STAT!"
 
The man stretched his arms over his head, gave out a yawn and settled back into a comfortable position. He was completely oblivious to the chaos that occurred in the RP thread. Not sure what to do, he shuffled his feet a bit and raised his eyes to the sky. The clouds shielded his eyes from the direct sunlight.

"Well...After about 2 years of not writing RP's, I suppose a little warm up is what I need."
 
Scharu was all like "OMGWTF BITCHES", but welcomed the guy in the corner with a corndog and kick to the shin. It was her way of showing affection. "WELCOME, HOBO!"
 
He raised an eyebrow at the hyper girl then before she could object, swept across her personal space and pressed his lips against hers. Just as quickly as he had done it, he pulled away, smirking. "Nice to meet you." He said with a soft chuckle and a casual stride back to avoid any lashings. His eyes glazed over and he slightly lifted his head to the clouds.

"You know why ducks are so funny? Because they're always quacking jokes."
 
Scharu pulled out a bottle of tequila and took a swig. "Hey, Douche, cheer up, man. C'mon, how about we get blitzed and have a threeway?"
 
His name was Majimbo Mjajubane Kimbo Bulowayo and he... had aids. He walked in to the place, holding his hands up, palms facing ******ds. This was just in case anyone accused him of stealing. He sat down, lowered his head and sighed loudly. He coughed once, called the waiter over and said, "Hello, pleez can I hev sum wateh!" The waitress stared at Majimbo for a while, he guessed she was probably trying to figure out what he'd just said.

She left him, and then returned shortly with a glass of water. "Will that be all?" she asked him in a kind voice. He nodded slowly, "Yez, dat will be oll kind voiced wooman. Nobuddy iz verry kind to me. So, siiiiince you are a kind peson I will tell you da trut aboht me. I... hev AIDS." He looked up at her, puppy eyed, with a frown turned upside down. The waittress blinked at him. She took a step back, and ran away. Majimbo sighed.
 
Sam shuffled in, her long slender fingers wrapped round a bottle of vodka, clutching at it as though it was all she had left in the world. Which, other than the twister mat in her other hand, it was. She scuffed her foot nervously against the floor, smiled gently and opened her mouth.
'Foursome?'
 
"Sure thang, sounds like a plan!" Scharu exclaimed before breakdancing and stabbing a nearby prostitute in the face.
 
"I can help you with that!" Scharu said cheerfully before getting out a flamethrower. After several long bursts of fire upon Sam she stopped, handed her a nun and instructed, "Right, now just apply this nun to your facial area twice a day - three times if you wanna get high off it - and in a few days, you should be fine."
 
Sam gave a curt nod as she reached for the nun. The nun backed away, looking scared, as Sam's hand came towards her. The look of fear was still apparent when the nun was a turtle, laying on her back in the grass.
"Sometimes," Sam began. "We can learn a lot from turtles. When was the last time you laid on your back and just watched the world go by?"
 
"You have a point," Scharu said thoughtfully, trying to recall the last time she had done that. "I believe it was only a few days ago, when I was totally fuсking smashes, lying on a small hill and staring at the clouds. I was playing that game where you see what each cloud looks like, and then think of a reason why you hate that thing. Yes... I was playing alone, but it's still as good, especially when drunk beyond all reason. I started to get so angry, that I challenged a cloud to a battle. That damn cloud refused to answer my questions, and so it brought it upon itself. I took out my rocket-launcher chainsaw machine and beat the living SHIΤ out of that ****ing cloud. I beat it good."

Scharu then did several back flips and kicked a passing man in the groin, before taking out a metal baseball bat and beating an old woman to death. When she was dead, Scharu placed a foot upon her, tilted her head back and screamed a war cry. She then proceeded to beat the woman into a fine paste, spread it upon a cracker and feed it to Billy, the emu with a red kangol. He seemed displeased with the taste, and so she compensated him for his troubles with some vouchers for a trip to the Moon which he sold for a pretty penny. He would have gone on the trip himself, but the Moon held some sad memories for him. As she inquired as to why he sold the tickets rather than go himself, he turned to look at the Moon hanging in the sky, a single tear rolling down his feathery cheek.

"That's just a billboard you know," Scharu pointed out, and was pecked angrily by Billy. "Fine, JESUS!"
 
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