Offensive jokes thread

Q: “What’s black and white and red all over?”
A: “A crushed nun!”

Q: “What’s that black stuff between an elephants toes?”
A: Slow natives.”
 
A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
 
Less of a joke but an offensive joke I said when I was still awake early.
It was awake bout 8am and I still hadn't slept.

I said something along the lines of "another hour and 11 minutes, it will be 9:11am. The only tragedy being that I am still awake."
 
I’ve deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone. Now it’s Hans free.

A butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work that day.
 
@purplerose feet are so crusty I asked her what was for dinner and she put her foot on the table and said corn.

BlackLivesMatter said:
What do you call a ginger woman who gets called for a date? Answer surprised.
Why do red heads never have mirrors? Answer they are soulless and cast no reflection.
What do you call a guy walking arm in arm with a red head woman? Answer Hostage.
Click to expand...

You know why sharks don't eat black people? Because they think it's whale sh*t
 
Mary turned to Joseph on their wedding night and said, "Dear husband, I can't lay with you because I am carrying the son of God." Joseph being a pious and dutiful man was by Mary's side all the way. The night Mary went into labor Joseph While swaddling the baby Jesus, Joseph stoking his beard and startling Mary when he shouted out "Well Damn." Mary gasps and cried out, "What is wrong with the baby?"
Joseph said, "Oh the baby is fine hear him cry out for you, he has ten fingers and toes. It's just that I wasn't expecting that God was black>"
 
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha!" he says, "I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume, "I'm the bus driver!"

HMRC
 
"Mummy Mummy,am I a pyromaniac"?

Yes you arson.

"Mummy Mummy,why is Daddy zigzagging across the lawn"?.

Shut your mouth son and reload.

I was in a band once in my local nightclub..

No no no sorry..I was banned from my local nightclub once.
 
What is the difference between a bowling ball and a ginger lady?
at least you can eat a bowling ball if you had to.

These two are for My Birthday Moth January
What did the old eraser and Jesus have in common?
Both died correcting your mistakes.

What is the difference between Jesus and a hooker>
The hooker does not hang around after getting nailed.
 
I won a dancing competition once..

I only got up to go to the toilet..

Apparently 6 million Jews went by train to the death camp

Must have been a fucking big train.

Hitler didn't kill himself...it was the shock of his gas bill.

What is the difference between pride parades and a bucket of s h i t.....the bucket..

I wonder if Jews still take showers and put gas in their car..or are they more concerned about oppressing Palestinians.
 
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